You say you love me now but what when one day the darkness clouds my mind again? What when it darkens my vision? What when my demons attack again? What when I lose my mind with baseless anxiety? What when I need so much assurance that I turn into a task for you? What when my insecurities are no longer endearing but frustrating?

What when one day you come home to find me sitting at the edge of the bed, my head between my hands with tears streaming down my face in the middle of the afternoon? What when you walk into the bathroom to find me scratching my face and pulling my hair? What when I go so quiet you forget I’m even there? What when you wake up in the middle of the night to find me staring at the ceiling, my eyes red and my face stained with haphazard dried tear tracks?

What when you wake up at 4 a.m. to find me out of bed; in the kitchen, using the knives to slice my own skin open? What when you walk into the bathroom to find me in a tub of water with crimson swirls and a blade fallen on the floor? What when you come home one evening and find me sitting at home just the way you left me that morning because I couldn’t motivate myself to move and go about my day? What when I can’t do my share of chores because I’m too tired battling myself? What when you find me sitting alone in a room buried in a book or a TV show completely ignoring reality and not sleeping? What when all I do is cry and blast painful music?

What when you walk into the kitchen to find me in my ugly torn pajamas, stuffing my face with all the food I can find because it’s all I can do to keep the pain at bay? What when I eat so much that I visibly become fatter by the day? What when I’m pigging out whenever you see me? What when all I do is stuff food in my mouth in the most unsightly manner and choke and cry violently simultaneously because I can’t get myself to stop and I can feel my life spinning out of control but can’t find the fire in me to stop it? What when I stop caring about myself at all?

What when I lose my temper and snap at you all the time for your mere existence? What when I get mad at you for trying to help? What when every little thing sets me off? What when I get angry at what seems like the most random thing?  What when I stop talking all together because I have nothing to say and even if I did, it was too much effort? What when one day I suddenly become distant?

What when you ask for a reason but I have none? What when I decide you can’t help? What when I feel like I’m only bringing you down and disappointing you but don’t know what to do about it? What when I breakdown all of a sudden with no reason or explanation? What when one day I flinch at your touch? What when one day I pull away from your embrace? What when you find all my obsessively sad writing?

What when one day you don’t love me anymore because I’m no longer the happy girl you fell for? What when I lose all the passion you loved me for? What when you decide I’m no longer worth the effort? What when one day you decide you’re tired of trying? What when you realize you’re better off? What when my baggage becomes too heavy? What when I decide I can no longer be saved? What if one day I drown and nobody’s there to pull me out? Will you love me then?